It’s been quite some time since I have had the time or rather took the time to sit and write, but it finally happened while we were at the beach a few weeks ago. It came out more like a journal entry, but I feel like my life is made up of a many entries rather than one big novel. So this is me grappling with how to be more present, how to love others and myself better, how to be vulnerable without fear. This is me trying to stay on my path of being intentional.
Thoughts… June 7,2019
Today I got lost. Not like really lost, but lost enough where I couldn’t tell you the right path to take to get home. Instead of my normal reaction to stop and get my bearings I decided to take the path less travelled and continue on my journey to another place. During the meandering I thought a lot. I prayed a lot. And hoped that the storm rolling in wouldn’t get too intense while I was away. I thought back to the days when I was small and couldn’t officially play house in my cardboard box until it was properly decorated. I thought back to a time when I focused so hard on everything having to be so perfect before I could truly be in the moment and laugh. I then fast forward to today and see how my cardboard playhouse decorated to a tee has led me down the path of creating home for others. It just makes sense. The focusing on everything having to be perfect though has its time and place and maybe just maybe isn’t a place where I want to dwell too long. It’s a place where I tend to get anxious. A place where I get stuck and feel like I am on repeat. A place where I can quickly shift my focus from what is in front of me to a place where I can not thrive. I then stopped and prayed while I was seeing the moments where life would pass and asked God to help me realize the moments that would lead to a place where I’m not living my best life or even a life that just passes much too quickly without me being present for the little moments. I want to detour before the s***t hits the fan really. I know those moments all too well. I know that my heart starts to race. When I start to make up stories about what is happening, but not really happening. When I can’t look my children in their eyes and hear them, really hear them. That’s when I want to stop, need to stop. Take a breath and re route. Now I don’t have all the answers on how this will come about. How will I step out of the twister that has just begun. But I pray now that I can pin point my reactions, that I will now be able to calm the winds before the big storm hits.