A Restless Sea

Hamath and Arpad are dismayed, for they have heard bad news. They are disheartened, troubled like the restless sea. - Jeremiah 49:23

As I read yesterday's one year bible I kept on coming back to the verse above. "They are disheartened, troubled like the restless sea". I thought how that very phrase put into words how my heart can sometimes feel. How with every slamming wave I can feel myself going under, sinking sometimes with a struggle and sometimes in pure calmness and the next moment rising towards the surface for a deep and welcomed breath. How that very wave can make me feel unbalanced and me in turn digging my feet deeper into the sand to not be knocked down again. Then there are moments of time in between every crashing wave where the sea is clear as glass and I can float on my back letting the little ripples carry me as I watch the clouds pass ever so beautifully. Those are the moments where all seems right with my little world and I can walk tall and confident until the next big wave comes and knocks me down again. Those waves can come out of nowhere. They can be big as the kiddos running in with hearts broken, dr diagnosis that I may not have been prepared for, a family member or friend having a long journey to wellness and you want to make everything better, but you know you just can't. They can be as small as a never ending loads of laundry, a house that can't stay clean, eating out more than you know you should because threading water is all you can muster in those very moments.

I can see myself in that restless sea. I can see where I am knocked down again and again. In those moments where I feel this may be the time I drown, I can look towards Heaven with an outreached arm and utter a simple prayer of "I need more of You Jesus." I know His presence surrounds me by a timely text from a friend, the Mr doing something unexpected to just bring me a dose of joy, the kiddos come running in and asking for a hug and they then linger even if their friends are waiting. It's those moments I can breath deep, the tightness of my chest ceases, and I can just feel His presence in a way words cannot describe. To be honest most of this year I felt as if I have been living in the drowning. Not in a struggle kind of way or even in a unfavorable sort of way, but one that has me sinking deeper and every time I come up to the surface I come up stronger, I come up ready to proclaim what Jesus has done for me over and over. I then dig my feet deep into the sand and pray. Pray for healing for those around me, pray for marriages to be strengthened, pray for us all to know Jesus in deeper ways, pray for those that are hurting, and pray for those that are doing just fine. I do this in hopes that I can help others dig their feet deeper, side by side, arm in arm, with Jesus intertwined for I know that force of that wave that is waiting to take us down again will not be able to take down a barrier of determined woman and men who can stand knee deep in sand holding onto Jesus's promise for we are "Fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." - Romans 4:21. Hanging on to that promise means that whether drowning, standing firm or simply treading in that sea means that every one of us will be okay. It may not be in the ways we hope or expect, but we will all be okay and be better for it.

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. - Romans 5: 2-5

A Boy

The Mr likes to remind me often to let KJ be a boy. He is reckless and at times just plain ole dangerous. This in turn makes me want to constantly remind him to be careful, not climb so high, or go so fast. He smells of boy sweat most days and has the sneakiest smile of all times. I grew up with sisters and even though we were not considered the dainty type I had no idea what having a boy would bring. He lives in full throttle and loves in the same way too. Some might say he is a mama's boy. He is even quick to admit this to the man behind the dairy counter. Some warned me that he will grow out of this stage faster than I would be ready for. Since the burn I thought that time had come. The accident came much too soon after our Australia trip where I think he was just starting to forgive me for leaving him for a whole week. The longest I have ever gone without him. For weeks after the burn KJ would not really touch me. Our nightly show watching, book reading, just because cuddles came to an abrupt stop. He was afraid to touch me, because he was afraid of hurting me. Following the most painful times, when I was ready and able to hold him again he wouldn't have it. He would sit by me, but not in the same way he once did. He did it because I asked not because I could make everything better with a single hug. With a reluctant heart I succumb to the fact I was not needed the way I once was. I did not care for the way it all changed especially due to the circumstances, but life still went on. He was still my boy and we just operated a little differently. Fast forward to last week, KJ got sick. He ran high temps and felt all over miserable. The first thing he did was crawl onto my lap and stayed. I did not admit to him that it was painful for him to be sitting on my still healing wounds, but body scars can not compare to the heart scars in any way. For two days straight all he wanted to do was lay in my arms so that is what we did. I've come to know what I already knew more so this past year than any other, my children are ever changing, I am am ever changing, but our God is steady and for that I know all our days will be well no matter how hard or easy that day may be.  I am grateful our connection was healed.

*When the pain was so bad and I could not utter words KJ came up with a way for us to communicate. We would point our thumbs in a direction to indicate how I was feeling. It made me smile every time. Since the burns he still likes to communicate with me in this way. It can represent how dinner was, how our days went, or how he did on a test. I'm sure the older he becomes the more silly our way of communicating will become to him and eventually seize so for now I will relish in my eight year old ways. For one day my boy will be a man.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. - James 1: 2-4

sources: t-shirt | pants old Ann Taylor {similar} | booties | KJ's button down {war eagle} | jeans

Finding Rhythm

Some days, most days I should say, go on as they should or at least how I think they should. The sun rises and the sun sets at the appointed time, the kids smell like hours of fun had outdoors, the Mr's warm hug envelopes me in a way only his can, good conversation happens with friends, food is eaten, and laughter happens. Most days are normal as can be, but then once you are operating in a rhythm you know too well bam something happens that brings it to a screeching halt. This moment creeps up so unexpected you almost don't believe it is really happening, but it is. I'm just now getting back into the ritual of going to church on Sundays since my burn accident. I've succumb to the sofa and watching it online for so long that I almost forgot what it was like to actually feel the beat of the drums during worship. During an ordinary Sunday as I worshiped I smelled the strong scent of hot coffee. Something about it smells different than the ice one I've come to enjoy. I opened my eyes as I sang and quickly noticed how many hot coffees people had around me. That's when I felt it creep up from the pit of stomach then up to my throat and then I felt like I was choking. I became hot all over and my head began to spin. My eyes began to water and then I knew I was about to have a panic attack. I have had three since giving my life to Jesus almost 14 years ago. Prior to that I knew them like an unwanted friend who would hunt me down at all the wrong times. The Mr normally knows when I am about to have that moment of panic and can redirect me, but I was sitting among strangers as he worked. I could not leave from where I sat, because then I would have to pass all said coffee's and I knew that could be a disaster. I began trying to breath in deep, shut my eyes tight, and prayed. Slowly I rationalized that normally coffee is not as hot as the coffee from that day, I tried to recall my prior love for the warm cup that would greet me in the early morning for years, my mind and heart kept on racing, but my breathing began to slow and I was able to worship again. The more I sang the calmer I became and soon I was back. In reality this moment only lasted maybe two minutes, I'm sure no one even noticed, but this was the first time I have ever gotten that far along in a panic attack and be able to come back down on my own. I smiled to myself sat through the rest of the service and returned home with a praise story to tell the Mr. Now to figure out if hot coffee will be a new panic trigger. It's not quite as easy to avoid as crowded elevators, my other trigger.  Now you know my secret that very few know about. One that I have been able to avoid and hide deep within myself. It's also one that I think is more common than anyone really wants to admit. Now to move forward once again and find that rhythm of life.

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. - 1 Corinthians 15:57