The Narrow Road

As I drove the kiddos to school, after a bit of a rough morning getting everyone out the door, I do what I do and prayed for a God centered shift in their day, as we all needed it. As I prayed I did my normal thing and prayed for them to stay on the narrow road. I am a type A, rule following girl all the way. I try not to be. The Mr is the exact opposite. I too used to be more go with the flow, but something shifted along the way. There was a season of life where I honestly was afraid to mess up. If I tried to be a little "better" maybe more prayers would be answered. Maybe just maybe, the kiddos would not go down the hard path of life and stay on that narrow road. My view was skewed in who the Lord really is. Fast forward today, and I know the Lord loves me no matter all my crazy. I can't earn His love, He just loves me because He promised that from the beginning. My only requirement is to love Him and love others, and the overflow of that is a beautiful wondrous thing. So as I prayed for the kiddos to remain on the narrow road I felt the Lord urge me to no longer view it as the path of basically being "good".

I know I pray this prayer out of desperation that the kiddos won't follow in my footsteps. As my steps were destructive in every sense of the word. I lived {if you can call it that} in pain trying to earn the affirmation of others and doing whatever that took. That would then be followed by numbing out, because doing whatever was slowly killing me. I never thought that I was enough just the way I was. The words of others became loud. The ugly actions of others towards me became who I was. After I decided to make my life live for the Lord when I was 21 I became stuck in having to be "good" now. I stopped doing all the spinning that left me so very empty. That narrow road quickly became my anthem for not doing bad things that would leave me in heartache. It became the road where the Lord could love me and think that I was enough. 

Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and the road that leads to life, and only a few find it - Matthew 7: 13-14

During my early morning prayer, I felt a shift in that prayer. A shift in the way I view and pray it. I prayed it in the way that would not lead my own children into feeling that that road is meant to be taken by refraining from doing bad things, but in a way that would lead to true freedom. I sensed that maybe that narrow road was one that could be walked down living in confidence in who Christ created us to be. One that sheds the feelings on how others view us and focus only on how God views us. One that keeps us from striving to please others and instead live in a way that pleases God. That this narrow road is where true freedom is found. At the end of the prayer that once held a sense of conviction and striving now lets me breathe free. It can be hard to not let the world define who we are with so many outlets that speak so loud. As I truly believe that all the "bad" things I went through is not what slowly destroyed me, instead, it was my lack of knowing who I was and the feeling of being lost in this great big world. That was my destruction. Now, as I ask the Lord to keep my children on that narrow road, I am asking for Him to keep His voice louder than the worlds dictation. I ask this so that they will forever be secure enough to live in a way that brings joy and peace through the hope that Christ is. My greatest wish for my babies is that they always feel secure in who they are, no matter what that person at school, in the play yard, and beyond says that they are not. Honestly I am not afraid of the poor choices they may make along the way. What I am afraid of is them forgetting how loved they are and that they are important. Jesus made them great and that is the feeling and knowing I desire them to dwell in. Really that is my for us all. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit - Romans 15:13

I AM

Who am I? Have you ever really asked yourself that question. Depending on how I feel at any given moment I could answer in so many different ways. I am a stay at home. I am a photographer. I am a blogger. I am one that overwhelms easily. I am one that wishes she was the most perfect homemaker. I am a mess most days. I am one that has it all together. I am, I am, I am. The list could go on and on really. Over the course of this year I have been slowly letting go of this list that happened to also act as a judge when I could not keep up with it and simply letting God's word grow deeper within me. Yes, much of the latter is what I do, but I have found I am not a list. I am not labeled by things I do or don't do, I am a daughter of Christ and was created for His workmanship. I was NOT created to be THE best. I was created to be the best of who He has made me to be. That is a place I am finally feeling comfortable dwelling in. He is the I AM and I am the one that had to be okay with letting go of my million of insecurities and allow God to work through me. This is me learning to be who He has created me to be. The good, the bad, and the down right ugly. This is simply me.

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. - Ephesians 2:10

God said to Moses, “I am who I am.” And he said, “Say this to the people of Israel, ‘I am has sent me to you.’” - Exodus 3:14

comparison...

Last weekend I started to write this blog post for Monday. Then as I was setting the post to be published I felt as if the Lord said just wait. A few days later I again felt the Lord was giving me the "it's time" release, but not without adding to it first. So here is my last weekend post with an addition following...

Sunday the 15th:

Last week/weekend we fought another bout of the flu. Thankfully me and the kiddos started tamiflu earlier so it was not nearly as bad as the first time. The Mr on the other hand was not so lucky and was pretty miserable. This also led me down the hole of instagram comparison again. One can only watch so much video games, HGTV and disney movies before needing another outlet. I really have such a love/hate relationship with it. I love it because I can connect with the blog friends I have made over the years that are more far than near and it also can inspire me to get creative, but those times it doesn't... I then start to think maybe I should dress cuter rather than my boring uniforms, I get lost in food pics rather than actually cooking, long hikes with the kids? Forget it, I just started walking short distances without getting winded. Oh and the valentines day cuteness was on overload and by the end of the day I realized I didn't even make the kids or Mr a card never mind heart shaped pancakes, baskets full of goodies, and a romantic meal around the coffee table. We laid on the sofa mostly. Of course none of this is really bad and I really did enjoy seeing everyone showing love to their people. Most of those ways made me smile big. It DOES get bad though when I start feeling bad about myself or wanting to change myself because of a picture. A PICTURE people! When the echo of I FAIL becomes louder than it should. Part of me thinks I just need to stop it all, apparently I have issues, but that also means I may be telling this little blog goodbye. I just don't feel like that time has come though. I have met way too many wonderful people through this blog journey and honestly I'm not 100% sure what else I would do.  Would it be weird for me to set up instagram times like business hours? How do you all battle with comparison? Surely I am not the only one.

Wednesday the 18th:

 By the evening of that Sunday I was feeling rather defeated in my lack of self control. As I fell asleep I prayed asking the Lord what was this feeling all about and I felt a reminder that I was not getting up early seeking Him and giving my day to Him as I have been doing. This caused me to wake up and start my day with making sure the kids are fed, the dog goes out, watching TV, answering emails, and by the end of the week looking at instagram first. I was not waking to the peace He gives me to tackle my day and how I do that is waking an hour earlier before the kids have to get ready for school. With everyone home sick I just lost track of my need for a schedule. I make myself a cup of coffee, wake the kids to see if they want to join me, if so I fix them breakfast, and I then go into my office {a no bickering zone} turn on worship music and pray and soak in the word {bible}, and ultimately I am giving that day to Jesus first. This little routine of mine sets my day up to maybe not go perfect, but even when the busyness happens, when I feel tired and ill, or when things just fall apart in general I am in a better spirit to handle those things.  They seem not to affect me as greatly. I seem to be calmer, less snappy and honestly when I do check instagram it does not make me feel as if I am less than. I was starting my day with me instead of starting my day with Him. I am flawed while He pure in every way. For that, I am grateful for new days and the gift of starting over. His word rings true and for that I am indebted.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.