Progress not Perfection

Hello 2016! I'm still baffled a whole year has passed yet again. I feel like time is moving at a rapid pace and only gets faster the older I get. I still remember grade school when it felt like a day, week, year would never end. Does anyone else feel this way? We ushered in the new year on the west coast. I can't wait to share some travel tips and the images in the coming weeks. It was just what our little family needed even if 3 out out 4 came home oh so sick. If you have been reading this little ole blog for awhile now you may recall every year I pick a word to focus on. A word that helps better myself in an area I still need work on. This year though I refuse to pick a word. I am deciding my only goal will be to focus on Jesus and as I see it, as His word continually states, then all else will fall into place.

Why no word this year? Five or so years ago my word was spending. I needed to get it under control. I would buy just because. It became a nasty habit. It was also the year our photography business went under an audit by the state and county for not charging sales tax on EVERY shoot we did not just product. We ourselves are product. We sure didn't know. We owed an exuberant amount of money to us and we had to budget beyond what I thought was possible. Of course all shopping, eating out, life as we knew it stopped. Thankfully it was also the biggest photography year we ever had and we shot a wedding almost every weekend and just as quickly handed the cash back over to the state. Three years ago my word was simplify. I was ready to part with so much of what the prior shopping habit left me. I purged well or so I thought. By that August we learned we were moving into our current smaller home and most of our things would not fit. We then left for the Mr's sisters wedding in Colorado and our house flooded while we were gone. So between getting back and moving we had a mere two weeks to get everything straight. I lost a lot which was honestly freeing, sold some of the not destroyed good pieces, and then we gave away most everything else. I would say we downsized our things about 75%. That still baffles me today. All the time wasted looking for things I didn't need or love, all the money wasted that could have been saved, ALL THOSE THINGS. Now last year if you recall I went with the word health. I hadn't felt well in quite some time. It got to the point were it became debilitating at times. Can you guess it? Last year I have never been sicker. I had the flu twice, pneumonia I couldn't kick for months, and got diagnosed with an auto-immune. Let's not forget I also got burned by a hot cup of coffee at a local drive through that sent me to the hospital with 2nd and 3rd degree burns. During this year I stopped blogging for some time, I stopped most things, I just needed to survive the year.

Now this is only a handful of examples of why no word for me. This year I am just going to live life with one focus and that's on Jesus. I have nothing to perfect for I will never be perfect. Only He is perfect. I will be a work in progress. I am sure I will fail in areas. I am sure I will succeed in many. I am sure there is a year ahead to be lived and that I will do.

Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life... - John 14:6

More

Lately there has been an overflow of woman around me who are desperately seeking more. This includes me.  Not one more cute bag,  the perfect hair cut,  a home to put their stamp on, or even the best pair of jeans that can make a bottom look like it's 18 again. Well the latter I may just take, but alas I'm not talking about that kind of more. This more comes from deeper within. It's so deep that you can feel it swirling around, but have yet to find a way to release it. This can manifest in so many ways. Short tempers with the kids, tears for a reason that a finger can not seem to find, lack of energy in so many areas or it can look perfect. Not a real perfect mind you, but one that makes you look like all is well and we have instagram pictures to prove it. I have done both over the years. On the outside I was walking my path with my head up high, but on the inside my chest was tight. On paper all read like a beautiful novel, but the feelings did not match. I knew how to pray, what to pray for, and "knew" God was there, but something was amiss and I could feel it all too much. At times I felt down right crazy. I can say with confidence I was not depressed. I dealt with that in college and I knew this was different. This was a need and not a sadness. Even now as I write I have tears coming down, because I know those moments when all seems lost and it pains me to know others can feel that way too. That maybe God would not lift this heaviness that can be hidden with a sweet smile. Maybe that was just part of me. This past year I have shared some of the journey. Some of the unknowing that I have been struggling with. I have not shared my whole story, but let's just say I can be not be shocked by anyone's story. Today I can say without a doubt that God does listen. God does hear us. It may just not be our time to hear Him. I know that God can heal in an instant, God can set us free in an instant, God change any circumstance in an instant. I also know that my instant took years. I had days where I was tired of praying, there were days when I prayed for hours, there were days I excepted this turmoil would stay, and there were days I knew I would be set free. Crazy YES. Real YES. This is ME. I can not say what was different this time, what the magic key was, but I am free. My circumstances did not change. I still am dealing with a chronic illness, I still have tragedy that has to be walked through, so on and so on. I am changed though. I can breath. The swirling in the deep has stopped. The what ifs are gone. The comparison game is done. The needing of more things to fill the empty closed. The fear of missing moments with the Mr and the kiddos has ended. I am living now. I am breathing once again. How did this all come to pass? I'm not sure what it was about this time that worked. Maybe it was the simple fact that I stopped trying so hard to fix it. Maybe it was because I stopped pretending and laid myself bare. I heard God deep in my soul whisper that my and everyone's number one job was to love people and love Him so that's all I did. When my mind started to race or I could not sleep once again I thanked Him for every gift I had been given even if the gift was as silly as not falling that day. I truly let go and He came in. To you all who may be walking in the midst of wanting more, needing more,  where your chest might be tight for no apparent reason or a reason so big it's hard to mutter I encourage you as someone who walked for so long feeling as if it would never come that it will happen. I am not an exception. You are made for this world and this time and you are loved. This is the more. This journey, your journey, WILL lead to more.

But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31

 

When The Rain Comes...

A couple of weeks ago the Mr and I ran to Atlanta for a work trip. It was pouring down rain and the sound easily lulled me to sleep and put me into a contemplative mood. The Mr per usual had his podcasts on and we just enjoyed each others presence mostly in silence. I was pondering on the past year and all the doors God opened and closed and all the times that I felt as if I was just waiting for answers and some that have yet to come. The windshield wipers would go to varying speeds depending on how hard the rain pounded. One thing that I kept on noticing is with the Mr and I's height discrepancy he is able to leave the wipers on much slower than I would need if I were driving. He is able to see through the top of the window where very little rain settles and I sit so low that the water puddles to the point where I can not see. I was relived every time the wipers swooshed so I could get a glimpse outside clearly even if it was just for a moment. I am a silent backseat driver if there ever was one. This then got me thinking of moments with God. Sometimes this world and near events can leave me feeling blinded. Where I just move forward even though the lines may be blurred. Sometimes even within the midst of heartache or difficulty I can look forward and get a glimpse of what is to come. Those are the moments the wipers swoosh and clear the path just long enough that hope can be seen. Then there are times when I remain within the haze, the wipers are so slow that I am begging for them to come, but thankfully the Mr or friends are able to see for me from a different angle and speak life into the situation regardless of whether the wipers come into play or not. I am grateful for every moment this year. The good and the ugly. I am grateful to experience every speed of the wipers the Lord provides and I am especially grateful for when the sun shines bright. I hope you all in the states have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. - 1 Peter 2:9