comparison...

Last weekend I started to write this blog post for Monday. Then as I was setting the post to be published I felt as if the Lord said just wait. A few days later I again felt the Lord was giving me the "it's time" release, but not without adding to it first. So here is my last weekend post with an addition following...

Sunday the 15th:

Last week/weekend we fought another bout of the flu. Thankfully me and the kiddos started tamiflu earlier so it was not nearly as bad as the first time. The Mr on the other hand was not so lucky and was pretty miserable. This also led me down the hole of instagram comparison again. One can only watch so much video games, HGTV and disney movies before needing another outlet. I really have such a love/hate relationship with it. I love it because I can connect with the blog friends I have made over the years that are more far than near and it also can inspire me to get creative, but those times it doesn't... I then start to think maybe I should dress cuter rather than my boring uniforms, I get lost in food pics rather than actually cooking, long hikes with the kids? Forget it, I just started walking short distances without getting winded. Oh and the valentines day cuteness was on overload and by the end of the day I realized I didn't even make the kids or Mr a card never mind heart shaped pancakes, baskets full of goodies, and a romantic meal around the coffee table. We laid on the sofa mostly. Of course none of this is really bad and I really did enjoy seeing everyone showing love to their people. Most of those ways made me smile big. It DOES get bad though when I start feeling bad about myself or wanting to change myself because of a picture. A PICTURE people! When the echo of I FAIL becomes louder than it should. Part of me thinks I just need to stop it all, apparently I have issues, but that also means I may be telling this little blog goodbye. I just don't feel like that time has come though. I have met way too many wonderful people through this blog journey and honestly I'm not 100% sure what else I would do.  Would it be weird for me to set up instagram times like business hours? How do you all battle with comparison? Surely I am not the only one.

Wednesday the 18th:

 By the evening of that Sunday I was feeling rather defeated in my lack of self control. As I fell asleep I prayed asking the Lord what was this feeling all about and I felt a reminder that I was not getting up early seeking Him and giving my day to Him as I have been doing. This caused me to wake up and start my day with making sure the kids are fed, the dog goes out, watching TV, answering emails, and by the end of the week looking at instagram first. I was not waking to the peace He gives me to tackle my day and how I do that is waking an hour earlier before the kids have to get ready for school. With everyone home sick I just lost track of my need for a schedule. I make myself a cup of coffee, wake the kids to see if they want to join me, if so I fix them breakfast, and I then go into my office {a no bickering zone} turn on worship music and pray and soak in the word {bible}, and ultimately I am giving that day to Jesus first. This little routine of mine sets my day up to maybe not go perfect, but even when the busyness happens, when I feel tired and ill, or when things just fall apart in general I am in a better spirit to handle those things.  They seem not to affect me as greatly. I seem to be calmer, less snappy and honestly when I do check instagram it does not make me feel as if I am less than. I was starting my day with me instead of starting my day with Him. I am flawed while He pure in every way. For that, I am grateful for new days and the gift of starting over. His word rings true and for that I am indebted.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

chai lattes

I have always loved and appreciated my friends, but after this season I have come to realize that this life can not be done without them. We have never been surface friends, as I like to call those relationships that I will not ugly cry in front of, they are the ones that know the nitty gritty of me yet still love me just the way I am. For years those friends would know when I was at a low point, whether in physical health or something entirely else, when I would disappear for a bit. My answering texts would become far and in between never mind actually picking up the phone. Visits would seize and in essence I would go dark. I retreat into myself and like to "deal" with whatever on my own. I have always been that way. Those times are what probably led me into depression years ago and why over the years it was hard for me to hold onto very many friendships for very long. This season has been different. I am not sure if it was out of sheer desperation or what, but I reached out daily and maybe even multiple times a day for help whether it be for prayer or a chai latte. Those friends are the one that held me up when I could not do it on my own. They truly are a gift. During prayer this week I came to realize that this is the way God designed it and I was getting in the way of that design. I did not want to burden anyone too much or for too long. I did not want to be the friend who continually was in struggle. Yes, they new my battles in and out, but instead of waiting for them to call me out I came to them first. I let them in my messy moments instead of sharing the victory after.

MARK 2: 1-12

A few days later, when Jesus again entered Capernaum, the people heard that he had come home. 2 They gathered in such large numbers that there was no room left, not even outside the door, and he preached the word to them. 3 Some men came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. 4 Since they could not get him to Jesus because of the crowd, they made an opening in the roof above Jesus by digging through it and then lowered the mat the man was lying on.

I love this story in the bible where a paralyzed man was being carried by men to see Jesus. When they could not get to Jesus the conventional way they created an opening in the roof to deliver him to Jesus. These men could not have been any ordinary men, but men that loved this paralyzed man deeply. It did not say his brothers or father, but men. I can only assume these men must have been friends, because of the length that went to get the paralyzed man to Jesus. They were willing to dig through a thatched roof to lower him down. Have you seen a thatched roof? I have on mission trips and in order to be an effective roof to keep the weather out it has to be thick and strong. These men took the time to dig through, probably encountering pain along the way, in order to make a hole big enough for a man to be lowered through. I can see myself in that paralyzed man, maybe not in the physical sense, but I too can be paralyzed. Paralyzed by fear, sadness, sin, longing, etc. In those time when I feel paralyzed, just going through the motions of life without feeling or not focusing on Jesus and instead focusing on distractions I need my friends to dig me out. To get their nails dirty, cry with me, pray with me and sometimes just bring me a chai latte, make my favorite tacos, send the most perfect book to me at that perfect moment or send pictures of their baby's bum dimples because that can only put a smile on your face. The story continues on...

5 When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralyzed man, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

Jesus saw the group of friends who believed so deeply in HIM and loved their friend so much that they were willing to fight through a thatched roof to give their friend a chance for an encounter. Jesus saw their faith... Not just the paralyzed man's, but theirs. Jesus then proceeded to forgive the man's sins, not his body, at first. Jesus shows us that the forgiving our sins is more important. Setting our hearts and spirit free is more important. It is what leads us to a life of freedom.

6 Now some teachers of the law were sitting there, thinking to themselves, 7 “Why does this fellow talk like that? He’s blaspheming! Who can forgive sins but God alone?” 8 Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts, and he said to them, “Why are you thinking these things? 9 Which is easier: to say to this paralyzed man, ‘Your sins are forgiven,’ or to say, ‘Get up, take your mat and walk’? 10 But I want you to know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins.” So he said to the man, 11 “I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.” 12 He got up, took his mat and walked out in full view of them all. This amazed everyone and they praised God, saying, “We have never seen anything like this!”

After being questioned Jesus then healed the man's body. Not first, but second. The man took up his mat and went home. Not to over shadow the healing that was done. A man who was a paralyzed in the physical sense could walk again, that is huge. I feel the mat the man carries out is equally as important though. Could this mat represent not only the literal mat he laid paralyzed on, but could this mat also be a sign of hope? That no matter what is weighing us down, no matter what leaves us feeling paralyzed in the world, that through Jesus we can pick our own mats and walk forward. It may be on a bumpy ugly road full of dust, but we can walk forward. That we can take up that mat and take those steps to freedom. We just have to be willing to grab that mat no matter how tattered and heavy it is and throw it over our shoulder and walk.

This man found freedom in Jesus and it all started because his friends took those steps with him, fought with him, and felt pain with him. I challenge ourselves to go deeper with those friends we have. The ones God put in our lives. We don't have to live a life of perfection or alone. That life can be hard. Let's choose to walk toward freedom hand in hand with our eyes focused on Jesus.

UNDONE

I got an urge to pick up the camera and see through the lens. Something about only being able to focus on one spot through the viewfinder soothes me at times. What I saw were not vignettes that were perfectly styled or even all that clean as every blogger has trained themselves to do, but I did see a home that is loved. It kind of matches where I am currently in this place the Lord has brought me and I love it, I can finally rest in the undone.

- The curtains are a jumble for some reason. The chair has dirty finger spot. The candle stick is broken. The vase needs flowers. It is undone.

- Joy is found at this table with dinner talks and laughter. The fiddle fig tree has sprung new leaves. Next week this table will be filled with new faces as our small groups begin. It is love.

candlesticks | curtains | light fixture | vase {target} | solid chairs {west elm} | cane chairs {craigslist}

- Below is a pile of dishes that need to be washed. The window sill needs dusting. You can feel the cold air through the old window panes. It is undone.

- The horsehair nest and feathers were loving collected by my children. The scripture rings true. The marble pear has traveled with me throughout the years and reminds me of our old home. It is peace.

- The recycling to the right is piled high. Dog food is scattered on the floor. Crumbs live in this spot. The basket is piled up with food my body hates. We have succumbed to paper plates every day. It is undone.

- The antique table was a birthday gift from the Mr. The worn spots makes me wonder about the life it used to have and the stories it must hold. It makes me happy to know it has a second life here and we can add to those stories. The chalkboard holds a menu that will hopefully lead to better meal planning that will insure we stick to the monthly food budget. The chalkboard also marks our count down to our Disney trip. It is hope.

chalkboard | candle sticks {west elm} | school house light fixture

- The bed is unmade and will remain that way for awhile I am sure. The sheets need to be washed yet again. The window blinds are broken and to be honest have a slight smell. My bedside table is a mess. After all these years I have yet to find the perfect lampshade. It is undone.

- This bed has brought me much comfort these past few weeks and granted my body rest. The books piled high have filled my soul with a deeper connection with Jesus. The small dish holds my wedding rings and keeps them safe from the nearby floor vents. The lamps give light in the dark of night. It is comfort.

sheets {although they discontinued this colorway} | duvet | blanket | ring dish {west elm} | headboard {DIY} | nightstands | water bottle | lamps {scott's flea market}