It's a Start...

I started this blog years ago to share my loves, passions, and parts of my life. After much thought and prayer I have decided that I am making this little spot of mine a place to "go deeper" within a little series. It will be a spot where I will share my ups and downs of what I am learning in order to live this life better with Jesus at the center. In a way I will be taking my daily discussions I have with close knit girlfriends here. How long will this series last? Who knows, but I thought it would be a great place to connect us all in a more communicative way. A place to where we can say "me too" without feeling judged, a place where we can learn from each other, and cheer for each other on this journey of life.

Last week I shared my convictions on not living in the now. To having a great desire to not miss out on what is in front me. Part of this challenge and prayer was me giving up social media for at least the duration of our church's 21 days of fasting and prayer. It's been a little over a week and it's getting easier. I can not tell you how many times though I have picked up my phone absent mindlessly looking for my apps {which I moved to the very last page of phone} to see what everyone was up to. What I realized, as in felt a twinge of conviction that I knew only God can give, well Him and KJ who likes to point out every time I am on my phone, on Tuesday is how many times I pick up my phone to "research" things then get lost in google land. For example I now can tell you every last detail on how to waterproof a basement. Is this bad knowledge to have, no. Am I actually going to waterproof a basement myself, no. Did I just really spend 3 hours throughout the day researching this, YES. Have you ever looked at your daily usage on your phone? Well I just started doing this the last couple of days and oh my, let's just leave it at that. I now am adding to my list of "living in the now" by only doing research on the computer unless it's something I need now and quickly, like directions to somewhere, using a recipe I saved or how to do a 3rd grade math problem for Ellie.  Sitting at the computer is not my favorite so, fingers crossed, this will help me in my process of trying to live in the now. As badly as I wanted to come here and say "wow life changed with my addiction to my third arm, I mean phone" I can now see this will be quite the process. A making a daily decision type of process. Really? It's a PHONE. I swear quitting drinking in college was easier than this and that was actually a HUGE problem with awful outcomes.

I guess you can say the latter was a week of ups and downs. Ups would be seeing that this is a problem I am able to take by the horns and overcome. The kids have noticed my effort and have gave me praise for actually doing daily activities without my phone as an additional side kick. I helped Ellie with her homework and was able to be attentive to what she needed even if it was something she already knew how to do. She even said homework was fun this time. I even managed to loose my phone for half a day. Had no idea where it was and it was okay! I don't say these things to boast on what we should or should not do, but for me I was truly missing out on the kids daily lives and to see small victories within my efforts is something I need to remember. You know for when my phone tries to reattach itself. The downs would be seeing this problem is an actual real life problem. A ridiculous one at that. I have also found that without being able to hide or get lost within it my, what I thought I had overcome last year, issues arose again. I am a yeller, I am from a family of reformed yellers. I am not a daily yeller or even a monthly yeller, but a on occasion {a few times a year usually} may explode into someone I do not know type of yeller. It's normally when I physically feel the worse or close to that time of month. Well last Sunday it happened. I lost it over something so minor. I got to the place where I could feel my mind and heart questioning what was happening as it was happening. My ears were steaming. It lasted maybe a whole minute before I had a oh crap moment and quietly exited the house and cried/prayed in a parking lot down the road. I then returned apologized and repented to each of my loves individually and you know what I experienced? The embodiment of grace to the extreme. There was no why are you so crazy, why did you fail us, do you not love us, only hugs and a you are forgiven. They were not quick to judge and only showed love AND is that is when I saw the scripture come to life.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, - Ephesians 2:8

At that moment I started again with my journey on living this life for Christ and in turn living in the now. Not living in the moment I fell short, way short. Ellie did mention it at dinner the other night then started giggling as she stated oh how funny it was that it happened and that she would never forget it. As my head hung low I asked her why it was so funny and she replied it's because she knew I want so badly to have them forget that part of me and that she never will, but she will love me anyways. Um, surely there is a lesson in there somewhere right?

So that's my week of learning and growing and prayerfully seeking a deeper relationship with Christ. It's also the point where I realize some of you will decide I am flat out crazy and some of you will have a "me too" moment. Either way know that I pray for you all often and if you have any specifics shoot me an email.

* Oh and as I mentioned before I am doing one thing that scares me a day... this is it. {BAM checked it off the list}

*** in case you missed it I am having a giveaway!!!